I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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