I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
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He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
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Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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