Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
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Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
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I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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