I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize