"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
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When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
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It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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