Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
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I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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