Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
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Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
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I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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