True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
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I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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