I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
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You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
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I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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