made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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