she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
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Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
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Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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