I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize