i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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