I got chris browned last night
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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