I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
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you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
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I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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