first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
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To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
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At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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