Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
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she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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