You don't have asthma, your pregnant
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize