tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
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Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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