Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
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i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
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Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
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