Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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