we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
why do cheetos always look like penises
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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