Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
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Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
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Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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