It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
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You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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