Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize