I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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