I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
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Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
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We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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