I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
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We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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