My sheets look like a crime scene.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize