you didnt know i had herpes?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
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I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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