You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
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Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
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This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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