now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
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He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
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those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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