I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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