I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
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