remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
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and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
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Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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