so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
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I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
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I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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