fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
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She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
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Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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