I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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