Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
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He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
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So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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