she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
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We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
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found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
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