Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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