I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize