does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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