im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
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