I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to wash the frat house off of me
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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