Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
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Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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