dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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