Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize