Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
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I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
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Hello my rib-scented angel!
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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