Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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